Saturday, May 10, 2014

The Reason.

I'm told I should feel happy about how everything is going right in my life and smile.
I had a reason to smile. I had a reason to smile with a phone call every night. I had a reason to smile with a text message every now and then. I had a reason to smile when I fell into those arms. I had a reason to be. I had a reason who made me feel alive. The reason into which I'd put my heart & soul into.
I built a home for that reason. I built a future for that reason. I built my life around it.
The reason.

And soon, it didn't reason enough. It didn't reason enough to continue. It didn't reason to be.
But how do I reason with myself? How do I stop believing and feeling after years of feeling and believing in the reason?
I haven't really had a moment in the past one month where I have genuinely felt happy.
Even if I've had a good day, right when I come back to my room at the end of the day and lie on my bed.. It all hits me like a 100 knives going at once at every fragment of my being.
And then I turn weak. Very weak. The nights are all so weak where I give up on everything I have and mope. I know that is very pathetic of me. Extremely. Deeply.

And even if I've got everything going on track, I feel off track.
I don't feel anything for anyone anymore. I am done spending my life having unnecessary & irrelevant conversations on Whatsapp and not experiencing life like I should be in these years. I am aversed to getting to know anyone now. It's not like I'm bitter, I'm just tired. Drained.
The only thing that was most precious to me, isnt there with me anymore. You can't let go of the intimacy you're so used to so easily.
You can't let go of the memories. You can't let go of the attachment. You cant let go of how addicted you are to it.

You know the thing I'm most addicted to is? Validation. I am so used to receiving validation by the end of the day over that phone call and I don't get that anymore. When I fall weak, I end up seeking that validation.
But I don't get it anymore.

The reason why I can never be the same is because I feel invalid.
I don't really feel the same anymore. I never can.
I am averse. Scarred. Torn.
And perhaps, safe to say, broken.

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