The experience that 2014 was.

I opened my blog today and realized the last time I wrote something was back in May and it was such a depressing post that I couldn't even read it again. What I also realized is that after that post, it has only been an upward curve for me. That was probably the lowest point of my year and I would never want to go back there. 
But after those deplorable initial months, I have encountered only strokes of luck and contentment. 

It all started with having the best summer of my life in New York City. It wasn't just a trip abroad, it was a journey of self-exploration and introspection with my whole perspective on things in life being changed. I spent my time there with the best people possible, lived dreams that I've had since I was a little boy and made friends who I've become as thick as blood with. I came back a changed person and a much happier person. NYC is not just a city, it's an experience.
And this year, has only been about experiences. 

That's what I learnt from my summer and that is how I strived to spend my year ahead. 
Experiences.

2014 was all about new experiences. I have had such brilliant experiences this year and this is why I feel so alive because I've lived so many times this year. 

Once you let go of something or someone that's been holding you back and making you unhappy no matter how much you love it, it only gets better. I finally let go of something that had been holding me back and keeping me down and miserable and I have only felt better and happier. 

Experiences. 
The experience of having flings and not losing yourself in someone for a change, the experience of meeting people you never thought would become so important in your life but they do, the experience of eating as much as I want without caring about getting fat, the experience of travelling with your friends and creating memories that you'd never forget, the experience of becoming an uncle to your sister's daughter, the experience of finding someone who you're so comfortable with, the experience of attending concerts of artists you are crazy about and living the dream. The experience of life.

Experiences.
We're always holding ourselves back from going out and experiencing what we've always wanted to do. Being careful, being cautious. And then, when you look in retrospect, you are filled with only regrets. 
What could've been of your year had you not held yourself back. What memories you could've had if only you'd said Yes instead of No. How impulsive decisions can lead to the entire course of your life changing. 

I don't like getting philosophical but it's true when they say life begins when you leave your comfort zone. 
I have had such a brilliant year. I have had the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. It's not just been a perfectly upward curve either, there have been a few bumps but isn't that all supposed to be a part of the experience as well?

Thank you, 2014. You have taught me a lot, made me mature a lot, made me go back in time a lot, made me cry & laugh a lot, made me love a lot and made me live a lot.

You were one dazzling experience. 
2015? Bring it on. 

The Reason.

I'm told I should feel happy about how everything is going right in my life and smile.
I had a reason to smile. I had a reason to smile with a phone call every night. I had a reason to smile with a text message every now and then. I had a reason to smile when I fell into those arms. I had a reason to be. I had a reason who made me feel alive. The reason into which I'd put my heart & soul into.
I built a home for that reason. I built a future for that reason. I built my life around it.
The reason.

And soon, it didn't reason enough. It didn't reason enough to continue. It didn't reason to be.
But how do I reason with myself? How do I stop believing and feeling after years of feeling and believing in the reason?
I haven't really had a moment in the past one month where I have genuinely felt happy.
Even if I've had a good day, right when I come back to my room at the end of the day and lie on my bed.. It all hits me like a 100 knives going at once at every fragment of my being.
And then I turn weak. Very weak. The nights are all so weak where I give up on everything I have and mope. I know that is very pathetic of me. Extremely. Deeply.

And even if I've got everything going on track, I feel off track.
I don't feel anything for anyone anymore. I am done spending my life having unnecessary & irrelevant conversations on Whatsapp and not experiencing life like I should be in these years. I am aversed to getting to know anyone now. It's not like I'm bitter, I'm just tired. Drained.
The only thing that was most precious to me, isnt there with me anymore. You can't let go of the intimacy you're so used to so easily.
You can't let go of the memories. You can't let go of the attachment. You cant let go of how addicted you are to it.

You know the thing I'm most addicted to is? Validation. I am so used to receiving validation by the end of the day over that phone call and I don't get that anymore. When I fall weak, I end up seeking that validation.
But I don't get it anymore.

The reason why I can never be the same is because I feel invalid.
I don't really feel the same anymore. I never can.
I am averse. Scarred. Torn.
And perhaps, safe to say, broken.