Analyze, that.

You just got a message. You open the thread. You read the message. You reply. You close the thread. It's over.
Wait.
A thought occurs. You open the thread again. You read the message again. You re-read the message. You think a bit.  It's not much. At times it might just be an "Okay"
You tell yourself not to think so much. You close the thread.
A thought occurs again. You read the message again. You start thinking what the person actually meant. You start analyzing the text. You start over thinking. You start over analyzing.
"What am I doing? It's nothing" .. You close the thread.
You promise yourself you wont open the thread again. It takes all your will power not to. You don't.
But the thread opens up elsewhere. In your mind.
You open the thread again. You try to figure out the story behind the "Okay"
You start building stories where stories don't exist. You get neurotic. You get cynical. You're analyzing, still.
You tell yourself to stop. You don't.
You build a hundred back stories behind a simple "Okay" . You realize how crazy that is. You knew how crazy it was ever since you had started building stories but you didn't stop. You kept on going, you kept on thinking, you kept on analyzing.
Your brain gets saturated. You cant take it anymore. You confront that person.
Fuck.The person goes in either of the two following directions:
1. He follows the same process as you and analyzes. It's an infinite loop. You both get caught in a vicious circle of cynicism and insanity. You both erupt. Exeunt. Fin.

2. That person ridicules you. He erupts. He blows up. He ruptures. He hits the roof. He bursts out. You feel miserable. "Why do I keep doing this?"  "But I cant help it"   "But why?"
He tells you you're weak. You're unstable. You're not strong. That you're better than this, you have the potential, you have the strength, you have it in you. You know you do. You know you do.
You understand. He is trying to understand. You both understand. You apologize. He apologizes. You're both sorry. He lets go. You don't. You blame yourself, you curse yourself. You blame yourself as the root of all problems, you curse yourself for his unhappiness. You blame and curse yourself for your own unhappiness.
You start thinking again. You start analyzing the roots behind all problems again. You overthink. You overanalyze. You come up with theories.
Each and every cell in your body tenses up. Tissues tense up. Organs tense up. 

And then you dissect them. Every organ, every tissue and every cell till all you're left with is an insignificancy. A void. A nonentity.

"But why?" 
Why? Because you care too much. You feel too much. You know too much. You have been through too much. You are attached too much. You are in too deep too much. You are emotionally involved too much. You are invested too much.
Because you love too much.

Fate and other things.

It feels absolutely amazing to be blogging again after an undefined and infinite hiatus. But now I'm back for good. I missed this outlet to vent out my angst and emotions and everything. But now I finally have my own laptop and a ton of free time (except not really) to be regular.
And I will try to write as well as I can. 
So..
what's happened so far? I graduated from secondary school decently and respectfully and got into the college I never thought I'd get into because it seemed just about next to impossible but I did. I did and I am so so happy here. I came across the most intriguing personalities in all this time.
I met someone. I found someone. I love someone. I lost someone. I don't dislike anyone. I trust someone. So many someones. So many souls. I touched souls, souls touched me. I have been reading a lot of Rumi's poetry recently and somehow I feel enlightened in a lot of ways.
And this is why I like to believe it all has to do something with fate being too kind to me presently.
Or is it not? I would never know. Perhaps fate has been too kind to me.

There are moments when I reach an unpleasant emotional high and there is an outburst.  There are a lot of such moments. I hurt someone. But I get away with it. I'm lucky that way perhaps.
Someone. 
A soul.
And then I think of mirrors. Would you do that to the soul in the mirror? Be hurt in that way?
Sometimes I don't face the consequences of my actions. And that is why I don't learn. There should always be consequences and retributions to a demeaning action. But I escape. I am lucky that way perhaps.
Fate has been too kind to me.

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds' wings.” - Rumi

The balance. Our presence. Our existence. It's everywhere. Our hand in fate. Our manipulation to our own fate. We are the makers of our own destiny. My presence in every small contracting and exploding in the passing time governs where I stand presently. Always contracting and expanding. Always. Like wings.

"You have escaped the cage. Your wings are stretched out. Now fly." - Rumi

The wings that our fathers and mothers built for us, 
they're ours now. 
The cage we were in so far, 
we're stepping out of it now. 
The wings feel heavy,
but we are gearing for our flight now.
You're stretching your wings,
you are flying now.

The cage. The wings. The flight.
Provocans ad volandvm. Provoke to fly.
"There is a force within that gives you life - Seek that.
This silence, this moment, every moment, If it's genuinely inside you, brings what you need." - Rumi

Oh the emotions that Rumi brings out in me. It takes me back to the days when I was riding on that high bandwagon of emotions in a time long gone. I haven't been feeling things too strongly for a long, long time but ever since I've started reading his poetry I feel like I have revived. I feel enlightened in some way.
And thus, I am reviving this integral part of my life from the ashes. I want a new phoenix to arise. I want to give it wings. I want it to escape it's cage. I want to provoke it to fly. I want it to fly.

And I will. 

Needs & Wants

What I need right now is a getaway, lots of silence and serenity. I want someone to listen to, but I need someone who would listen, too.
I want cupcakes with buttercream frosting and pillows with cold surfaces. I need sureties and impudence not uncertainties or ambiguities.
I want to be emotionally independent not dependent. I need to let go of things holding me back, but not the memories. I want to retain and preserve the memories.
I need to learn what it's like to be grown-up and enter the real world and accept it. But I want to be accepted, too. I want to know what it feels like, something true and genuine.  But I need to find something true & genuine to feel first.
I want to execute my visions and dreams someday,  but I need to cross the bridge to get there first.
I need to understand what is right and what is wrong for me, but I want to understand what is best for me.
We all have needs, we all have wants. But there is a thin, fine line in between separating them.
Needs & wants.
But you know what? There's one thing common - I Need AND Want to be happy..

Hullo, 2011. Sorry for the MIA.

I haven't posted anything since October. That's a long, long time. I can't say I was supremely busy but yes, I've been busy.

A lot of things happened in these three months of interlude.

My sister got married, I went to Phuket in Thailand and Kuala Lumpur, I turned 16, I attended a hell lot of parties and a lot of stuff.

I could've posted.. but that feeling I used to get when I used to write and post was missing. I didn't want to write in something which was not from my heart.

But then, who else but Mahima Jaju to break the block? :)

Anyway, I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows which completes the Harry Potter series for me and end of a big phase of my life.

All the clues, hints and characters woven from the previous book put forth in the last book, each having their own special place. This is one book that won't last for just a decade, but for ages.

Harry will surely join the likes of Alice, Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer and Frodo.

Aside from that, I turned 16. I don't really feel any different. It feels just the same actually. The only difference being the +1.

I will be entering 11th grade this year. Higher Secondary School. It just seems time passed away too soon.

It feels like just yesterday when I was riding my tricycle in my lawn and now, I'm choosing my subjects which will determine the course of my life.

For once, I wish time would just stop and let me take in this moment.

There are no problems in my life. I am totally carefree. No responsibilities, no tension and no pressure.

All is well.

Just a few more months, and there'll be all these changes.

But well, Change is inevitable, Growth is intentional.

you can either accept it, or you'll be left behind.

My sister was going to be married. It was very, very hard at first.. but then you've got to accept and know that it is in her happiness, that lies your happiness.

It is in your loved one's hands, that lies your happiness.

You give your love with all your heart. You get back more. Warmer.

There's just one life to love.

Dumbledore taught me that.

CWG Opening Ceremony: I was there!

So, I was at the grand CWG '10, Delhi opening ceremony last night.
One word: LAVISH!

When we Indians do it, we do it in style.
Our infrastructural development might've been slow, but hell we can dance! :D
And what spectacular lighting and technicality!
The AEROSTAT!
IT WAS FABULOUS!
And it is being considered one of the best opening ceremonies ever held.

Wait, what were they saying about the games a fortnight back?
Seems like everyone's forgotton.
World media, Indian media.. you guys got SO OWNED last night! xD

It was amazing and unforgettable. I am never going to forget last night. I was there in the JLN Stadium. I could feel the energy.
When the crowds cheered when India came with the flag.
The fantastic crowd cheered even when Pakistan made their entry.
And when CM Sheila Dixit was mentioned. We love you madam Chief Minister. :)

Last night. I shall remember always. My country shone worldwide.
My country, the best country.

Incredible India.

The Commonwealth Games 2010

Well, I guess the whole world knows about the Delhi CWG 2010 by now.
I've been wanting to do a post on them since a very long time but I just wanted all the matters to settle then and then commence.

Alright. So, today was the last day of school before Autumn Break was to commence. My English teacher was asking each one of us our plans for the autumn. When she asked me, I blatantly said, "Ma'am, Ill be going to see the Commonwealth Games" ..
To that, there was a response of utter preposterousness and ridicule by each one including my teacher.
She said, "I hope no tile falls on your head"

Now this really pinched me. Yeah, I know what the media has been saying for the past one month.
I've seen it all. At one point, I had started to lose hope but I still believed in my country.
The media hyped each and every negative aspect of the games and NEVER, NEVER EVER highlighted anything positive about the games.
The upgraded metro, the innumerous flyovers and bridges, the world class stadia etc.
Never did they do anything to promote and encourage an Indian athlete.
Yeah, I know an overhead bridge collapsed, a minor slab of tile caved in and there was grave criticism for the Games Village.
But which country and which event has not faced hiccups?
The International media never misses a chance to do some India bashing.
BBC World News went on a rapid rant about how awful the Games conditions' were and quoting all these comments by random what-not officials from Australia, NZ, England etc saying what a mistake it was to give India this chance to showcase it's progress.

We all should realize that there are ALWAYS two sides to a story.
http://commonwealthgamesvillage.in/
http://sports.rediff.com/slide-show/2010/sep/17/slide-show-delhi-commonwealth-games-village-suresh-kalmadi.htm#contentTop
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=128322373885609#!/album.php?aid=289638&id=7319903884&fbid=469892953884&ref=mf
Yep.

What upset me most is the perception of the Games created in the minds' of Indian people.
When BBC posted negative articles about the Games, I saw a lot of Indians saying, "OH, This is India" , "Nothing can happen here. It was a mistake" , "The politicians are so corrupt. Oh, this country is stupid"
HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELVES INDIAN? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELVES?
I guess all of these so-called Indians should rather leave the country than rant about it incessantly on an international forum showing the world how disintegrated we are.
I defended the Games on and on in every forum. I tried to highlight every positive aspect and I didn't deny the faults which had emerged. That is because I believe in my country and I love it.

The Commonwealth Games were supposed to be about the spirit of sports, festivities, a platform to show that YES, we are emerging into the global scenario. Sadly, India's image has been marred.

Now, with just 3 more days for the Games. The International delegates and athletes are very happy with the whole set up. All of them giving a thumbs up to the village.
One of the British athletes said, "It's a world class village with excellent facilities"

So, you see now.
It's all about belief.

The Delhi Commonwealth Games 2010 WILL be a success.
India will shine.

Being a Kid.

Don't you have those moments when you suddenly recall those old days of yours?
The time when you had no responsibilities. No tension whatsoever. No politics between your friends.
You could be yourself without succumbing to any kind of pressure. You didn't have all that excruciating academic pressure. You didn't need to think about your future.
You looked better than what you look now.
You could be free.

I remember when I was 7 or 8. I would have those wonderful birthday parties where my dad would call magicians and puppeteers and there would be a mini ferris wheel in my frontyard. There used to be amazing cartoons which used to come on TV.
The lifestyle of people was simple. There were no iPods, cell phones were not that popular in India at that time, laptops were almost non-existent, having fast internet access was a BIG thing. Terrorism was non-existent.
People would have those little cosy parties where everyone would have a great time.
There wasn't any traffic.
People lived such simple lives.

And suddenly one day I wake up everything on the contrary. I don't know why things had to change so much.
When I was 11, I always wanted to just magically turn into a teenager because I was so fascinated with the whole idea which was supremely glorified by them teen movies.
And now that I am one, it's not all that great. Guess they say it right, "Everything that shines ain't gold"

If I had an option, I would totally go back to being 8 or maybe 12. And not in the present times for God's sake. These are dark times.
I'd go back when I was really 8. In the 90s when Spice Girls and Powerpuff Girls and Dexter used to rule the world.