The Reason.

I'm told I should feel happy about how everything is going right in my life and smile.
I had a reason to smile. I had a reason to smile with a phone call every night. I had a reason to smile with a text message every now and then. I had a reason to smile when I fell into those arms. I had a reason to be. I had a reason who made me feel alive. The reason into which I'd put my heart & soul into.
I built a home for that reason. I built a future for that reason. I built my life around it.
The reason.

And soon, it didn't reason enough. It didn't reason enough to continue. It didn't reason to be.
But how do I reason with myself? How do I stop believing and feeling after years of feeling and believing in the reason?
I haven't really had a moment in the past one month where I have genuinely felt happy.
Even if I've had a good day, right when I come back to my room at the end of the day and lie on my bed.. It all hits me like a 100 knives going at once at every fragment of my being.
And then I turn weak. Very weak. The nights are all so weak where I give up on everything I have and mope. I know that is very pathetic of me. Extremely. Deeply.

And even if I've got everything going on track, I feel off track.
I don't feel anything for anyone anymore. I am done spending my life having unnecessary & irrelevant conversations on Whatsapp and not experiencing life like I should be in these years. I am aversed to getting to know anyone now. It's not like I'm bitter, I'm just tired. Drained.
The only thing that was most precious to me, isnt there with me anymore. You can't let go of the intimacy you're so used to so easily.
You can't let go of the memories. You can't let go of the attachment. You cant let go of how addicted you are to it.

You know the thing I'm most addicted to is? Validation. I am so used to receiving validation by the end of the day over that phone call and I don't get that anymore. When I fall weak, I end up seeking that validation.
But I don't get it anymore.

The reason why I can never be the same is because I feel invalid.
I don't really feel the same anymore. I never can.
I am averse. Scarred. Torn.
And perhaps, safe to say, broken.

The things she has done for me.

She always made sure that I was fine, that I ate and that I am happy. She used to forcefully feed me if I refused to eat. The food that I used to eat was made from her heart. There was so much love, so much affection and so much care in every bite. She told me to appreciate it because one day I won’t have this privilege anymore. I never used to appreciate all that hard work put into it. I never appreciated.

I used to just cast my clothes on the floor and they used to be ready in my cupboard all ironed and clean. I never knew or inquired to find out how it all happened. How much hard work goes into actually washing your clothes and getting them all tidy and spic-and-span. I never appreciated.

Every morning she would wake up early and shout at the top of her voice to wake me up from my deep slumber and I would ask for 5 more minutes but I never woke up.  I never knew how much I’d miss the comfort she gave me every single day.  I never appreciated.

All that genuine warmth right from her heart, all that relief, all that assuagement, all that repose, all that slumber, all that ease, all that tranquility, all that requiescence and all that comfort. All of it in abundance. I never appreciated.

But here I am now, mother, appreciating you. I appreciate all that you did for me so far in my life and your life every single moment over here. I appreciate you when I go hungry some nights because the food is not the same, I appreciate you when all that sweat pours down my body when I wash my clothes and rush down late every morning for my class because you’re not here to scream at me every morning to wake me up. I regret all those moments when you asked me to sit down with you and talk to you and I didn’t. You have put your all youth and beyond into me and I appreciate all of it so much right now.

And I promise I will be the best son to you when I come back because you have been the best mother a son could ask for and I love you so, so much.

We don’t realize the value of someone or something till the time we don’t have it anymore with us. It’s a universal truth and we know it yet we don’t try to learn or do something about it.

I appreciate every single moment now, mother. 

What it feels like to be on your own at 18.

It's been around 3 weeks since I've moved to Mumbai for college and been on my own. 
Getting up every morning morning on my own without my mother screaming in the background and cursing me hundreds of times, adjusting with a very orthodox, conservative, innocent and naive roommate from the suburbs of Udaipur, using common bathrooms consisting of Indian toilets and shower cubicles with choked drains, washing my clothes on my own for the first time and ruining my favorite Zara t-shirt, rushing down a floor to iron my clothes before a lecture, adjusting to the tiniest room possible with a less than comfortable bed and crows coming into my room from the windows and eating my food and a cupboard with a high risk of fungi messing up my clothes, getting used to people from all over the country - different religions, different backgrounds, different lifestyles, different mentalities, different thought processes, different upbringings.. Different lives. 
I have led such a comfortable life so far. I have led the typical South Delhi boy life. Everything has been given to me on a silver platter. Back home, I used to just dump my used clothes in the bathroom and they would be all washed and ironed in my cupboard in a few days. I never had any idea how much hard work goes into the part in between. I know now how hard my mother and my maid worked to never let me have one uncomfortable moment. How I cribbed over such minor things. I actually feel like I have grown so much in the past 3 weeks. 

But then comes the loneliness. When everyone leaves after college hours and I'm the only one here in this huge expanse of a campus along with a few other souls. These huge, old and dilapidated structures of South Bombay all around me taking me back into time. This huge expanse making you feel so alone. It does get alone. Maybe because it's a new city and it's all out of my comfort zone. Perhaps I'd take time getting used to it and the loneliness would go away. Maybe it will always be there. Sometimes I long for a good conversation, sometimes I walk alone to sit by the sea in solitude and introspect, sometimes I just walk the streets looking to explore, sometimes I just look for someone to be with. Sometimes I get these things, sometimes I don't. It's not like I always feel this way. I am surrounded by the most amazing bunch of people but it's so overwhelming at times that it just makes me lose my place. 
I miss home. I miss the comfort I feel when I see my parents face. I miss the comfort of the school  I went to for 14 years of my life. That was my comfort zone. I was somebody there. 
Here I am looking to find my place. It's all a new beginning for me here. A new start. A do-over. A chance to be a somebody again. Maybe I will, maybe I never will. I shall find out after 3 years.

But this has been such an experience. I have learnt more in almost one month of college than I did in almost one academic year of school. I have learnt so much, I have experienced so much. That is one of the main reasons why I wanted to come to St. Xavier's so bad since the beginning. They give you wings to fly here. You make your own destiny here. You grow here. There is so much room for success here. There is so much potential to reach the top of the ladder here. There are so many eyes full of ambition here. There are so many souls brimming with creativity here. There are warm and friendly people here. There is so much individualism here.
When I think of all these things, I forget all my woes and worries. I forget all the loneliness. I forget all the troubles I face at times.
Because it's all so worth it. I am extremely happy here and here, at the age of 18, in a new city, far away from my comfort zone, only I am the maker of my own destiny.

Things I've learnt from Mumbai so far.

So I've shifted to Mumbai for college and I've been here and this is what I've learnt so far:

1. There is a storyteller in every coach of every local train with an extremely keen and curious audience.
2. Ain't no bonding like those ladies in the ladies coach have.
3. People here are extremely friendly, warm and welcoming and dont have even one bit of arrogance which makes people here the exact opposite from Delhi. Although Delhi is so much cleaner and greener.
4. Marine Drive provides you as much peace and serenity as a monastery.
5. Never climb a moving train else your legs shall be amputated.
6. There is a very visible demarcation between South Bombay and the suburbs which is basically equivalent to South Delhi and the rest of Delhi.
7. Eating out is SO CHEAP OMGGG.
8. CABS ARE SO CHEAP OMG.
9. This city has the best street food with the most fascinating names (RAGDA?! MISAL PAV?!)
10. For people here, travelling for an hour or two is considered "close distance" which never fails to surprise me.
11. Places here have the funniest/weirdest names. 'TITVALA' , 'Saki Naka', 'Seepz' etc.
12. You know youre in Mumbai when you get rejected by atleast 10 autowalahs/taxiwalahs in a day.
13. It is the most astonishing sight when it rains here.
14. There is so much struggling here yet people are SO HAPPY with their lives.
15. There is no place in the world like Mumbai at all. 

Mankind and humanity still exist.

Dated February 17, '12. Unpublished.

Today, my mom went to the local bazaar to shop for some vegetables. Halfway through, she realized that her wallet was missing. We searched the entire market, asking every vendor, every passerby if they'd seen it but the answer was always in negative. All hope was lost and we glumly returned home. On returning home, there was a man at our gate. He said he was our cable guy from some 8-10 years backand asked my mum if she'd lost anything. Then he took the wallet out from his pocket and gave it back to her. No money was missing, nothing lost. Just when you start to lose hope in mankind, a miracle emerges out of nowhere and makes you want to continue living in this world of ours, continue to believe in mankind, continue believing that there is still hope for us.

Naive.

Written October 27, '12. Unpublished.

When asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", my friend's 8-year old brother replied, "I want to be a dolphin", his eyes gleaming like shimmers. 
There is nothing more pure than that brilliant innocence we all have in our minds, hearts and souls at that tender age. As we grow up, we seem to lose all of it gradually and inevitably. Eventually, all this simplicity turns into complexity. You don't see the world with eyes full of wonder. The mysteries, marveling, curiosities and admirations fade away and rationalism and practicality are forced to settle in.
The expanse of your imagination narrows down and dreams get restricted. Monotony and humdrums descend into our lives and make it dry. -sigh- I don't want to sound like an old person. I've still got a lot of growing up and unravelling to do perhaps. But.. I just miss it.

Analyze, that.

You just got a message. You open the thread. You read the message. You reply. You close the thread. It's over.
Wait.
A thought occurs. You open the thread again. You read the message again. You re-read the message. You think a bit.  It's not much. At times it might just be an "Okay"
You tell yourself not to think so much. You close the thread.
A thought occurs again. You read the message again. You start thinking what the person actually meant. You start analyzing the text. You start over thinking. You start over analyzing.
"What am I doing? It's nothing" .. You close the thread.
You promise yourself you wont open the thread again. It takes all your will power not to. You don't.
But the thread opens up elsewhere. In your mind.
You open the thread again. You try to figure out the story behind the "Okay"
You start building stories where stories don't exist. You get neurotic. You get cynical. You're analyzing, still.
You tell yourself to stop. You don't.
You build a hundred back stories behind a simple "Okay" . You realize how crazy that is. You knew how crazy it was ever since you had started building stories but you didn't stop. You kept on going, you kept on thinking, you kept on analyzing.
Your brain gets saturated. You cant take it anymore. You confront that person.
Fuck.The person goes in either of the two following directions:
1. He follows the same process as you and analyzes. It's an infinite loop. You both get caught in a vicious circle of cynicism and insanity. You both erupt. Exeunt. Fin.

2. That person ridicules you. He erupts. He blows up. He ruptures. He hits the roof. He bursts out. You feel miserable. "Why do I keep doing this?"  "But I cant help it"   "But why?"
He tells you you're weak. You're unstable. You're not strong. That you're better than this, you have the potential, you have the strength, you have it in you. You know you do. You know you do.
You understand. He is trying to understand. You both understand. You apologize. He apologizes. You're both sorry. He lets go. You don't. You blame yourself, you curse yourself. You blame yourself as the root of all problems, you curse yourself for his unhappiness. You blame and curse yourself for your own unhappiness.
You start thinking again. You start analyzing the roots behind all problems again. You overthink. You overanalyze. You come up with theories.
Each and every cell in your body tenses up. Tissues tense up. Organs tense up. 

And then you dissect them. Every organ, every tissue and every cell till all you're left with is an insignificancy. A void. A nonentity.

"But why?" 
Why? Because you care too much. You feel too much. You know too much. You have been through too much. You are attached too much. You are in too deep too much. You are emotionally involved too much. You are invested too much.
Because you love too much.